Kryptonite
by Sattar
Summary: A retired hero, the most useless thing in the world. But why did Commander Shepard become the criminal in the Terminus systems? AU, Post-game.


**Thanks a lot to skywalker05 for beta-reading, as amazingly fast as usual:)**

**"Kryptonite" belongs to 3 Doors Down, "Mass Effect" belongs to Bioware, and I own only madness.**

* * *

_I took a walk around the world  
To ease my troubled mind._

_I left my body laying somewhere  
In the sands of time._

There was a new legend in the Terminus systems, a new source of rumors - the ghost ship that no one could properly track down, that kept evading all pursuers and slipping away from every trap and ambush, that sometimes appeared and took orders for contraband. The Normandy SR2, with her mobility, stealth technology, AI hacking and deadly canons, turned out to be the perfect ship for crime.

Of course, at the beginning, all the mercs and criminals were freaked out._ Commander Shepard, legendary biotic adept and hero, is here and she's probably going to put this place in her own order._ Everyone hid, and trembled and hoped that the crazy bitch would start with anyone else. But she didn't climb into anyone business. She actually rarely showed up herself, not leaving the ship, as if she didn't care. Then they tried to kill her off and found out that her ship's canons never miss the mark. Then they just got used to her and left her be.

Some say that after everything she had been through, she got tired of fighting and now just wanders in deep space, enjoying herself. And some say that she was damaged and broken. A retired hero, the most useless thing in the world.

_I watched the world float  
To the dark side of the moon  
I feel there is nothing I can do,  
Yeah_

"Mm, Joker..."

"Yeah, Commander?"

I bit my lip and said cautiously "Do you ever regret leaving the Alliance?"

He turned to me and huffed with risen eyebrows. "Regret leaving a bunch of pretentious strict morons? Nagh, never. Reports and explanatory notes about everything, "It was unreasonably risky, Flight Lieutenant Moreau, you put Alliance property in danger." And I needed to explain to every high-ranking idiot why I can't jump up and stand at attention when they approach. And all those ranks..."

"But you still call me Commander," I said with an amused smile. He shrugged and grinned back

"It's already just like a pet name. But, hey, why are you asking?"

"Well, just wondering." I said, looking aside. "You've left kinda because of me, so..."

"Geez, come on! Ask me if I'm regretting quitting Cerberus too. It would make more sense. They had such a stylish boss - glass office with a close view of a star, piercing cybernetic gaze, communicating only through holos, all manipulations and traps. Hot."

"Smokin' hot, I dare to say. But his name always reminded me of old cheap superheroes. The Illusive Man on watch for the safety of humanity!"

Joker snickered and titled his head to the side with interest. "And do you regret leaving the Alliance?"

"Nope." I smirked. "I joined to run away from my past. I'm more a free soul than am industrious soldier kind of person. And what crappy equipment they were giving us! I understand that Hahne-Kedar is a major supplier for our military and they're good for average soldiers, but c'mon, Kessler I pistols for N7? Are we bloody elite or what? I'm a biotic. Fortunately, I can handle things only with dark energy, but I feel real pity for soldiers or engineers. It was just humiliating to kill the first enemy on a mission, immediately drop your gun and pick up his. Who would take you seriously after that? And you can't even keep it after the mission. Then it's back to the Kessler again! Oh, I remember how once I found a Karpov on a boss-mafiosi body. Karpov X, can you imagine?"

Joker raised his eyebrows and shook his head.

"Of "Rosenkov Materials", hello?"

He shrugged with an apologetic look.

"Alriight... It's like to be in a forced engagement with a fat, stupid old harpy and then suddenly get a night of hot sex with Miss Universe. And then get back to your harpy again. Argh, I begged to let me keep this pistol. I was gonna tattoo it on my thigh!"

"Maybe it's for the best, " Joker said, grinning "I remember all your gushing and squealing when you got your hands on Spectre Gear."

"Well, I have _two_ thighs."

"Ouch. Fair enough." He laughed sincerely, but there were weary crow's feet in his the corner of his eyes, pouches under them, and he rubbed the back of his neck.

"You look really tired, Jeff." I said softly. "Go get some decent sleep. Not in your chair, I mean."

"Okay." He nodded, turning to his consoles. I folded my arms and stared at the back of his head reproachfully. I knew he would feel it, and he looked up eventually

"I said okay! I just need to finish a few things first."

"EDI, block the pilot's panels in ten minutes."

"Understood, Shepard. It will be done."

"Hey! That's a low blow!"

"You've brought it on yourself." I snapped my fingers and his hat glowed in blue lights, slipping down over his face. He growled and I turned to walk away, smirking.

_I watched the world float  
To the dark side of the moon_

You can't die and don't change.

The world is splitting into pieces, throwing me upside down, casting me away from the escape pod. Everything explodes and swirls around me. I watch the burning parts of the Normandy scatter away, but I don't have time to think or feel sorry about it, because the air tears out of my suit. I struggle instinctively-it won't help, I know it, but panic makes me try to fight. A second ago I was in the center of fire, lights and explosions, and now there's only this silent abyss with endless cutting stars - their bright cold light piercing into me, making the holes between them even more unfathomable. It's stunning me. "It's over" shudders through my whole body. With my last breath - my next breath would consist of the nothingness, so it doesn't count - I can see the first rays of the sun rising over the planet on which I'll fall. I bet I'll turn out as a pretty good falling star. My lungs desperately try to catch oxygen, it hurts, it's aching, and my view's blackening. Ironically, I'm falling into the sunrise, but darkness consumes me.

_After all I knew it had to be  
Something to do with you. _

_I really don't mind what happens now and then  
As long as you'll be my friend in the end_

I shouldn't be back. It's just a hell of a coincidences - the Illusive Man was mad and faithful enough to invest in my resurrection, Liara managed to steal my body and it wasn't completely destroyed in the process, the researche went right - and I was a prototype, it's just like being charged off since the very beginning. But it seems I really was a good falling star and maybe someone made a wish watching my fall from the escape pod. I don't really know what exactly he had said and I'll never ask him, but it had to be something to do with me and it came true.

* * *

_You called me strong, you called me weak,  
But still your secrets I will keep_

"There's a call from Officer Vakarian on the line," the synthetic voice said smoothly. Joker glanced at the AI's panel.

"So he finally managed to find our contacts. Okay, patch it through, but don't let him track down our whereabouts."

"Of course, Jeff."

Joker took a deep long breath and when the panels signaled the start of a communication session, said cheerfully "Hey, Garrus! How you doin'?"

"Joker." It seems the turian not only got that pole back into his ass, but also covered it in ice.

"Glad to hear you too!"

"I can't say the same, since you've kidnapped Shepard."

"Wow, that's a big word. You know she was more than willing to be kidnapped. 'Cause if she wasn't, how could a cripple like me possibly steal her?"

"She isn't able to answer for herself... in her current state. She trusted you and you dragged her into criminal machinations against which she always fought."

Joker rubbed his forehead, sighing quietly. Not to mention her criminal past, but she also arranged plenty of illegal affairs while Garrus in his black&white world was delving into the Mako with no suspects.

"Yeah, well, give me enough money to run the ship and I won't be involved in anything more indecent than belching for the rest of my life. And I'm not making her eat babies. She actually doesn't take part of the process when they bring in contraband; the fact that she's onboard is usually enough."

"Don't tell _me_ that everything goes well with mercs."

"Well, first - I always choose carefully and I don't... y'know, try to bring justice and punishment. And second - she's still a badass with guns. I just tell her that those guys have a new biotic-blocking armor and she swears, but does great."

"You should bring her back to the clinic. She needs a special medical care."

"Dr. Chakwas handles it just well."

"They are specialists in this field, maybe they'll find way to cure her eventually."

"She'll die out in the first couple of weeks. It was a prison to her."

"And you think what you're doing to her is better?"

"She's in the surroundings she like and got used to, except that now nobody asks her to save them. She can do everything she wants and believe in all she wishes. If she's gonna call herself Batman, I'll hire an old butler and call the ship "Bat Cave"."

"You can't do this for your whole life."

"I owe this life to her. Just like everyone who wasn't consumed by Reapers, I guess."

"Don't act like you're the only one who cares. But still, it's a lie. It's disrespectful to the true Shepard, the hero that she used to be. You can't accept her disease and you hunt illusions, deceiving her all the way around." He paused "It's just not right, Joker."

"I don't know what's right and what's wrong. I don't really care. But while she's at peace with herself, I know it's worth it."

Garrus let out a turian analogue of a heavy sigh.

"She remembers you sometimes, you know." Joker said quietly "Tells stories about you. And Wrex, Tali, Mordin. Others not so often."

"Can I talk to her?" Garrus asked after a pause.

"I don't think you can handle it without making her upset. Sorry, not just after tell-her-the-truth speeches."

"I see."

"Gonna try to hunt us down?"

"Don't know. Likely not."

"Thanks. Well, umm, then... bye?"

"Take care of her, Joker."

"I will."

_You took for granted all the times  
I never let you down_

"...You have to understand, she must be kept under constant treatment. After such an awful amount of stress - fights, hard decisions, death and resurrection experience - it's despondently, but not surprisingly that she lost her mind after losing her biotics. She literally carried a weight of the whole Galaxy on her shoulders and then was deprived of the huge part of her life, her only one natural reliable weapon. So she closed herself in her own conception of reality, where she still has her powers. Malfunctions of short-dated memory and of the ability to predict and plan are also possible. No, it can't be cured, unfortunately. Brain cells were dead for two years and now are working only because of implants. Every interference can be lethal and I can't see any effective way to help anyway. We can only weaken it for a bit. But no, she must be kept in our clinic, because she could be dangerous for the people around her and for herself. In her reality she's still a hero and she would try to act accordingly."

"...Don't have enough subjects for actual research. Can give only a personal opinion. Cerberus implants couldn't support the control of the dark energy anymore. No. Weren't broken. But lost the necessary level of connection with nerves. She's still as functional as average human without biotics. But her loss broke her. No, it can't be fixed. Real pity. She was a natural leader and an outstanding person. A true hero."

_You stumbled in and bumped your head,  
If not for me then you would be dead  
I picked you up and put you back  
On solid ground._

"Commander?" He limped into the ward, carefully closing the door behind his back.

"Joker! It's you!" She jumped out of bed and came up to him. She was awfully thinned down. Under her reddened eyes were huge dark circles. Her red hair was tousled and seemingly had grown dim. In the white hospital attire she looked like an uneasy ghost or nervous caged bird. He knew that seeing her would be hard, but he hadn't know it would hurt this much. "Finally! You should know what the hell's going on! They just held me there without any explanations!"

"Damn, I'm not sick! Nothing's hurting, there's no reason to keep me here." She looked at his eyes, searching for the answers and hope. He opened his mouth to tell her something reassuring or funny in his style, but there was a bitter lump in his throat that didn't let him.

"It's just ridiculous, yeah? I'm a bloody hero, I have a hundred things to do that no one else would try... Instead I'm locked here and I've already lost count of the days. It just... drives me crazy! They don't let me anywhere except this damn room! Why am I here?" He knew that if he told her she was insane, she wouldn't be able to believe or understand, but he couldn't say it anyway.

"And they're giving me drugs, it makes me... lose my biotics. I don't know how and why. What is it, a test of some anti-biotic weapons? Then why on me? What, am I expandable and useless _this_ much? Haven't I been through enough shit in my life? Don't I deserve at least peace in the end? Does nobody care that..." she suddenly took a deep breath, turning away from him, but he caught a moist glitter in her eyes. Oh no, not this. She never cried. Not after Virmire, not after returning from death, never...

He took a step forward and gingerly placed his hands on her drooping shoulders, feeling how they became tense under his fingers. He wanted to say something, but nothing felt right, and he just stroked her shoulders with helpless tenderness, not daring to pull her closer. She said it for him.

"You should go." Her voice was calm and confident as always, but he could recognize a bitter irony in it. He felt something inside of him tear off his collarbone and falls, leaving emptiness "And please, do not come again."

Suddenly the right words came to him "We'll get you out of here. Don't worry, soon you'll be free and kicking asses as usual. Maybe those doctors asses if you want."

She was silent for a few moments and then gave out a heavy sigh. "Thank you, Jeff." Her shoulders started to tremble slightly. "Really, even though you won't do it, thank you for saying it."

"Hey, have I ever lied to you? Well, that time with "Nope, no cookies left" isn't counting. We _will_ get you out. Hell, it's just my job, right? Getting you from trouble. I promise I will." She was openly shaking now and he finally pulled her to his chest "Come here."

She gave no resistance, but hid her face in her palms. "No, don't look at me. Those Cerberus implants... they damaged some tear-glands... now I can cry only with one eye. Pretty creepy."

"Huh, come on! I saw you hung over. It can't be worse." With a half-sob, half-smirk she turned and leaned into him, desperately clutching at his shirt. When she quietly said "I've missed you so much," he knew he was doomed, but had a reason to fly again.

_If I go crazy then will you still  
Call me Superman?  
If I'm alive and well, will you be  
There holding my hand?_

You could never tell that something was wrong with her just by looking at her. She was still beautiful and actually looked healthier, because now she wasn't tired and scrawny from spending her life-energy on biotics. And she smiled way more often without constant grim thoughts about her duty or planning missions. She looked as peaceful as someone who lived through all possible hells only could.

You couldn't tell anything even from normal conversation with her. She was still smart, snarky, confident, observant and covertly caring. She had all the old memories, a good grasp of books, films, and the galactic political situation. Joker didn't even have force a smile, it was easy to forget about her disease and let himself believe everything was great. You just had to avoid a few sore subjects, like her current goal or her last activity. She was always in-between missions and didn't think about them usually. But sometimes she started to worry vaguely, not really realizing the reasons, but trying to understand what's going on, and those talks were torture.

"You know" She said slowly "I was actually going to make a diplomatic career. I promised myself that once all those savings of the Galaxy were ended, I'd go and teach those senseless guys like Udina how to run a good intrigue and manipulation. Why haven't I tried?.."

She frowned thoughtfully, looking down, and Joker swallowed hard. _No, no, don't go there..._

"But this way you don't have to deal with sticky bastards and, worse, report to them. Free-soul thing, yeah?"

Shepard looked down for a few more seconds and Joker caught himself not breathing, but then she shook her head and smiled, folding her arms.

"Yeah, right. Glad I have you to remind me about the bright side. But... how about you?"

"Me?" he blinked.

"Yep, you. You've always strived to obtain recognition. I'm not doing anything epic or impressive anymore. But you're still stuck with me here. I hope it's not because of some guilty shit..."

"Jeez, wait, let's get things clear. Did you receive a resume from flight school of some young pretty boy with excellent commendations? And you want old grumpy Joker to get out of his way?"

"What? No!"

"A-ha, denial! I bet he was Mister "hot" July in the latest calendar of flight school graduates. And he dances salsa and tango, yeah?"

"No, what's..."

"What, doesn't dance? Well, then he runs in marathons or..."

"Oh, shut up, Mister January!"

"How do you know?" he asked with raised eyebrows, taken aback.

"Always the first, heh." She grinned wickedly and he felt himself blushing. "I won't ever trade you for anyone, no matter how good he is and how blind and marasmic you'll become. Just wanted to make sure you're satisfied with this job."

"Yeah, leather seats are still as good as new." He smiled widely, trying not to look too flattered or smug.

"I need to try your magical leather once. Just to see what's so great about it."

"No way! I know you, you're gonna take away my last consolation."

She gave him a mischievous smile and clicked her fingers - one of the signs which he got used to reading. With mixed complex feelings - sorrow, guilt, compassion, bitter tenderness and something that he couldn't properly name - he tugged his hat down, hiding his face.

_I'll keep you by my side  
With my superhuman mind  
Kryptonite._


End file.
